At some point before you moved into your dorm room and began to “find yourself,” you gave up on going door-to-door for candy. There was once a time when Halloween began before sunset and ended before late-night talk shows, but at some point that ended and Halloween was lame. Maybe a part of you died. Maybe some of you, likely diabetics, were happy to see it go.
Appropriately for the holiday, Halloween is resurrected for all of these children, diabetics included, when they enter college. Rows of houses are replaced with overstuffed apartments. Concerned parents are replaced with lopsided sophomores, still sobbing over their “daddy issues.” This is the magic of Halloween. Among the sexually frustrated upperclassmen and the underclassman still trying to figure out how to hold a beer naturally are these six people you will meet at every college Halloween party.
How to spot him: Not as easy as you might think. Because everyone else is wearing bright colors or minimal clothing, he will blend into his surroundings quite naturally, as if he is just a kitchen appliance. If you want to find him, look for the toaster that appears to be breathing.
How you should interact with him: Don’t ignore him. There’s a good chance he is important. It either takes a lot of balls to show up wearing nothing, or he just has enough social connections to not fear being ostracized. Since there is a good chance it could be the latter, you will want to be safe rather than sorry. Don’t point out the obvious fact that he didn’t dress up. That makes you a dick. The only party that welcomes a dick is a bachelorette party. And if you have been paying attention you will notice that this post is only about Halloween parties.
Where he will be at the end of the night: Most likely in his room like most nights. Either that or on top of a “Sexy Something” that didn’t ask him why he wasn’t wearing a costume. More about the “Sexy Something” later on.
How to spot him: He will be the only woman over six feet tall or with breasts made out of two overinflated balloons. He is most likely a Republican.
How you should interact with him: It is completely appropriate to do to him what is criminal or offensive to the average female. You may grab, fondle, or slap just about any body part you want. After all, this is the reason he is dressing in drag. Well, not quite. The other reason is because this is the one day of the year that he can dress in a way that makes him feel comfortable. For 364 days of the year he tosses around homophobic slurs and makes fun of men who show any weakness. One day of the year, he looks like an extra from The Birdcage.
Where he will be at the end of the night: Walking in the middle of the road with two or three girls on his arms. For some bizarre reason, many of the girls at the party will mistake this cry for help as evidence that he is comfortable with his sexuality. Of course, this is simply not the case, but that’s what college is all about–learning from your mistakes.
How to spot her: For starters, there will be more than one of these girls. In fact, it’s fair to say that at least 80% of the girls in the room will be a sexy nurse, cat, or fairy. Generally, she will be wearing the same costume she used when she was eight years old except with some strategic modifications. Her tits will be showing, I mean.
How you should interact with her: Treat her like she isn’t a prostitute. It seems illogical but most of the women will dress like this to get you attention and appear as sex objects but they do not want you to comment on their bodies or touch them. If you feel like your frustration with this is too much to bear don’t be a jerk by taking it out on her. It’s much more productive to spend the next few hours in the corner of the room brooding and burning her image into your brain so that you can rub one out later that night.
Where she will be at the end of the night: Underneath the “Guy Who Has No Idea It’s Halloween” or stumbling across a street in a zigzag pattern occasionally using her girlfriends for stability. In some cases, you might discover her sitting hunched over in a stairwell shouting into a cell phone about her father neglecting her.
How to spot him: It will be an absolute shock if this guy is around next semester. His costume is so extravagant, there’s no way he could have spent a single minute doing anything else since he got on campus. He must have gotten a summer job to pay for it. He will also be the one constantly picking something up from the ground since his tail, horns, staff, and wings keep knocking shit over.
How you should interact with him: Don’t bring up the amount of effort he must have put into it. It would seem like the most natural thing to say in this case but it is a mistake to do so. If you bring it up you will immediately have to mention how crappy your costume looks while simultaneously pointing out how incredibly pointless his investment in time was. You will have to be the one who slinks away at this point since his costume is too cumbersome to allow him a quick escape.
Where he will be at the end of the night: There’s a good chance he will still be at the party until he figures out how to fit through the doorway.
How to spot him: He won’t be wearing a shirt.
How you should interact with him: Avoid this douche bag at all costs. He will spend the entire party doing only two things: trying to get everyone to do a shot with him and get as many of the “Sexy Somethings” as possible to follow him into the bathroom. Your best course of action is to make fun of him during every conversation you have that night. Keep in mind his routine is exactly the same at every party so don’t be surprised when you see him again at some random party in November and he is suddenly “really hot.” If you have the chance to hide his shirt, don’t. He won’t be looking for it and it would only give him a further excuse to remain half-naked for the rest of the night.
Where he will be at the end of the night: Vomiting in the toilet. There’s only one way to stay fit if you are this guy and a sensible diet and exercise isn’t it.
How to spot her: She will have a fake beard made out of face paint or some kind of construction worker costume.
How you should interact with her: If you can get past how incredibly horrible or undesirable she looks, you might have some fun. Girls who dress like this are in two categories: those that could never pull off being a “sexy something,” or those with a decent sense of humor who are really comfortable with their bodies. Again, on paper it seems easy to talk to a girl with a mustache, but it isn’t in person. The whole time you will be telling yourself it is a fake, but your penis will think otherwise. No matter what you may think, it is strongly advised that you don’t make homosexual comments in order to show interest in her. She won’t realize what you are trying to do because she can’t remember she is dressed as a man. It’s better just to ignore that you are hitting on a construction worker with a great ass.
Where she will be at the end of the night: This will entirely depend on how committed she is to her role as an out of shape middle-aged man. She will either crack open a beer and watch a football game or give some guy a hummer that causes him to question his sexuality.